HURLING CROWBIRDS AT MOCKINGBARS - Buddy Wakefield

If we were created in God’s image

then when God was a child

he smushed fire ants with his fingertips

and avoided tough questions.

There are ways around being the go-to person.

Even for ourselves.

Even when the answer is clear

like the holy water gentiles were drinking

when they realized

“Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past.”

I thought those were chime shells in your pocket

so I chucked a quarter at it

hoping to hear some part of you respond on a high note.

You acted like I was hurling crowbirds at mockingbars

then you abandoned me for not making sense.

Evidently I don’t experience things as rationally as you do.

For example, I know mercy

when I have enough money to change the jukebox

at a gay bar.

You know mercy whenever

someone shoves a stick of morphine

straight up into your heart.

Goddamn it felt amazing

the days you were happy to see me.

So I smashed a beehive against the ocean

to try and make our splash last longer.

Remember all the honey

had me looking like a jellyfish ape

but you walked off the water

in a porcupine of light, strands of gold

drizzled out to the tips of your wasps.

This is an apology letter to the both of us

for how long it took me to let things go.

It was not my intention to make such a production

of the emptiness between us,

playing tuba on the tombstone of a soprano

to try and keep some dead singer’s perspective alive.

It’s just that I could have swore you sung me a love song back there

and that you meant it

but I guess some people just chew with their mouth open.

So I ate ear plugs alive with my throat, hoping they’d get lodged

deep enough inside the empty spots that I wouldn’t have to hear you

leaving, so I wouldn’t have to listen to my heart keep saying

all my eggs were in a basket of red flags, all my eyes to a bucket

of blindfolds in the cupboard with the muzzles and the gauze.

I didn’t mean to speed so far out and off, trying to drive

your nickels to a well

when you were happy to let those wishes drop.

But I still show up for gentleman practice

in the company of lead dancers

hoping their grace will get stuck in my shoes.

Is that a handsome shadow on my breath, sweet woman,

or is it a cattle call in a school of fish? Still

dance with me. Less like a waltz for panic,

more for the way we’d hoped to swing

the night we took off everything

and we were swinging for the fences.

Don’t hold it against my love. You know I wanna breathe deeper

than this. I didn’t mean to look so serious, didn’t mean

to act like a filthy floor, didn’t mean to turn us both

into some cutting board

but there were knives stuck

in the words where I came from.

Too much time in the back of my words.

I pulled knives from my back and my words.

I cut trombones from the moment you slipped away.

And I know it left me lookin’ like a knife fight, lady.

Boy I know it left me feelin’ like a shotgun shell.

You know I know I might’ve gone and lost my breath

but I wanna show you how I found my breath to death.

It was buried under all the wind instruments

hidden in your castanets. Goddamn. If you ever wanna know

how it felt when you left, if you ever wanna come inside

just knock on the spot

where I finally pressed stop

playing musical chairs with your exit signs.

I’m gonna cause you a miracle

when you see the way I kept God’s image alive.

“Forgiveness is for anyone

who needs safe passage through my mind.”

If I really was created in God’s image

then when God was a boy

he wanted to grow up to be a man.

A good man.

And when God was a man - a good man - he started

telling the truth in order to get honest responses.

He’d say,

Yeah, I know… I really should’ve worn my cross.

Again. But I don’t wanna scare the gentiles off.

That is not what I came here to do.

He said,

I’m pretty sure

I just came here to love you.

Healing Hermann Hesse - Buddy Wakefield

Hermann wants to eat nicotine sometimes. He asks

for a lot. He paces space to make himself nervous

because some people are better at surviving than

living. If you wanna get heavy he'll teach you. He

knows it. Spends his time falling from the weight.

Got a lead brain. It's a battle magnet. He carries it

around by the guilt straps. Don't laugh. You didn’t

see the size of the blizzard that birthed him. Fits

of snow. Cotton rocks. Whipped white bullet stretches

pinned with chips of teeth to his habit of crying for help.

He doesn't land well. Hates landing. It reminds him of not

living up.

Listen.

I know there were days you wanted to die.

Days you misplaced all the right words then waited

to make sense once everyone here stopped watching.

Nights you let them beat up your body in bed

because redemption was still alive in you howling.

Uncompromising.

Gathering strength.

Happiness

is too far to fall.

Felt like ecstasy

when they pounded it out of you.

Those days of dead weather high strung out together

and spoke for you.

You told everyone here it was a good life,

smiled and waved back into the wails of your wind fight,

into the parts of the past that haunt you,

all the days you weren’t being yourself.

It’s why most of the past

still haunts you,

Milk Worder,

Mr. Self Murder.

Hiding is not an option for people

so good at showing up. You show up.

It is okay that you showed up missing.

We’ve all abused ourselves

then looked over

the wrong shoulder about it.

Call it Fatherlock.

You were picked like this.

I know you hate the hope.

It’s all the hope that makes you stay.

And you stay so far off the ground.

Hermann will not bow down to gravity. Falling

he catches up to himself midair just before the ground

smacks. Pullthroat, they call’im. Sharp turner. Nothing

touches the ground here.  Ground is at capacity.

He sees that. He falls back. He patches parachutes

together with a kite knife.  It's big enough to raise him

in the updrafts where he hides himself away in angles

of air outlined by his knack for believing that this life

is gonna work itself out.

Five of Swords, for all my death girls - Marty McConnell

Betsy’s in the second stall practicing

with a plastic razor, so I lie on the floor

to listen for the janitor, the cart’s

loose wheel squeaking our names down

the evening-empty hallway. the weeks

she was at Lutheran General, I didn’t

go to visit. but I know from her stories

what the doors looked like, closing,

how they strapped her to the bed

for her own protection. we’re 17

and I adore her despair. I think she’s shining,

fearless, carving herself a body that’s nothing

but light. on the way home, she lets me

drive. tells me there’s a trick

to disintegrating in increments subtle enough

not to trip the alarm wires, to hiding cigarettes

and death from therapists and parents and this,

all my girls have had down: how to go and go

until the night is too fragile or grimy

and then the fanfare, the wild dive

from the spire, the water tower, the clock

yanking its hands back, how to dangle

from the spotlight once everybody’s

watching. 1999: we lie on Angie’s futon

searching the phonebook for institutions

that will take her without insurance, curl

our bodies into still commas of want

to wait for morning. they take

her shoelaces, and her cigarettes, and I watch.

they give her forms and more forms

and I watch. they walk her to the room

with its single bed and single dresser

and unsmashable mirror and I ride

the long, high buzz of the door back

to New York. 2003: Georgiana is an expert

in suicide and poetry. her medicine cabinet rattles

like a jar of vengeful bees. she wants me

to find her. all our idols are martyrs, not one of them

a saint. her hair drops like cabernet all the way

to her waist. and how she needs me. my simple body

becomes bread in her mouth, I’m whiskey,

an obliteration who’ll get up in the morning

to call the hospital and make coffee. oh,

my pretty ones in love with the beast

of disappearing, there are many ways

to give birth. not one is without pain.

there are almost as many ways to die

as there are to love. tonight, I drink to you

who chose to keep going, who moved

through my body like a chemical

I could not keep. the night stands outside

like a hungry dog on an old chain, the scent

of lilies rising from the half moons of his teeth.

go ahead. tuck your babies into bed

and lovers’ hair behind their soft ears, as if

there’s nothing left to fear.

Survival Poem #17 - Marty McConnell

because this is what you do. get up.

blame the liquor for the heaviness. call in late

to work. go to the couch because the bed

is too empty. watch people scream about love

on Jerry Springer. count the ways

it could be worse. it could be last week

when the missing got so big

you wrote him a letter

and sent it. it could be yesterday, no work

to go to, whole day looming.

it could be last month

or the month before, when you still

thought maybe. still carried plans

around with you like talismans.

you could have kissed him last night.

could have gone home with him, given in,

cried after, softly, face to the wall, his heavy arm

around you, hand on your stomach, rubbing.

shower. remember your body. water

hotter than you can stand. sit

on the shower floor. the word

devastated ringing the tub. buildings

collapsed into themselves. ribs

caving toward the spine. recite

the strongest poem you know. a spell

against the lonely that gets you

in crowds and on three hours’ sleep.

wonder where the gods are now.

get up. because death is not

an alternative. because this is what you do.

air like soup, move. door, hallway, room.

pants, socks, shoes. sweater. coat. cold.

wish you were a bird. remember you

are not you, now. you are you

a year from now. how does that

woman walk? she is not sick or sad.

doesn’t even remember today.

has been to Europe. what song

is she humming? now. right now.

that’s it.

What She Wanted - Topher Cusumano

She’s walking down the street in a pair of six-inch, red, patent leather heels.

She always wished she was taller.

She shaves off her eyebrows and paints them back on.

She’ll be the first to tell you she enjoys the attention—

She’s okay with that.

‘Damn, I wanna fuck this girl,’

he thinks to himself as he follows her home,

the Boston streets slowly becoming narrower,

fewer streetlights scattered in front of the old, brick row-houses,

thick, circular patches of light surrounded by shadow.

He can hear her clicking as she walks.

She walks fast.

She knows where she’s going.

He could hear her clicking only half a block ahead of him.

“Damn, I wanna fuck this girl, yo.

Yo honey, with the fat ass!”

She stops.

She turns.

“Me?” she asks.

Softly, ladylike.

The voice he wants her to have.

The voice you can fuck, and still muffle with only one hand.

“Yeah you mommy—

You wanna come home with me tonight?

You looking real good, girl—

I wanna fuck that ass of yours real good, girl.”

“Me?” she asks again.

“You wanna fuck… me?”

She wears her tits like panties,

She’s got tits built for warfare, this girl.

She’s a battleship, unsinkable by nature.

Scars from girlhood across her thighs,

Wears short skirts so they wonder where she’s been.

She’s been… everywhere.

She walks back toward him.

“Yeah that’s right mommy.

You know what you want.”

And she does.

She knows exactly what she wants.

“You wanna fuck me?” she asks.

They’re face-to-face now.

She notices how dead his eyes are.

She knows how many girls he’s seen ripped apart,

Lying under him.

“You wanna fuck me?”

“Yeah mommy.”

She remembers fourteen.

“You wanna fuck me?”

I Feel Safe When You Lie - Derrick Brown

In somno securitas.

She slid into bed

easy as a knitting needle

into the spine of a hare.

I threw a bag of chalk into the air

across her body

while she slept.

Little rabbit.

I lit black lights into action

watched the frenzied prints emerge

from her breasts, neck, and thighs,

souvenirs of desire.

I breathed across her tight, sand-tanned stomach.

Chalk dust blew into her nose and she awoke.

I asked her

If the man made love to her with all his might?

Did it feel the same?

Did his beads of sweat fall upon the necklace I worked for?

Did he extend the milky antennae of her legs into the air?

Did you tune in God on the meat hook channel?

She said:

“My dear.

Slow, jealous detective,

Come sleep by me.

These prints are yours

And always yours.

They simply will not wash away.

You have had your head in other people’s hands for so long

you forget what your own touch looked like.”

The faders of twilight approached.

I curled into her with my arms,

dead across her ribs,

feeling the rate of her heartbeat increase

as she wonders if I can feel a lie through her nightgown.

It is a feeling I get

when ice-skating through the rising crackles of sunshine.

In sleep, there is safety.

What I Should Have Said - MARTY MCCONNELL & EMILY KAGAN TRENCHARD

when you said that a wedding sounded

like something you could live with

so long as it was small

and local and not actually a ceremony

at all but a gathering

of some people we love but not

too many and not requiring

too much planning

I should have left you. should

have swallowed the velvet cushions

you leaned against, the ones salvaged

from the first couch my folks ever owned,

should have shredded the silk blanket

into rags, cracked my teeth

on the wood bed-frame, anything

but stay. love, you are the best

of my failures. how educated I've become

in the ways of silence. the woman

who follows me from room

to room in this new house has so

many hands there are not enough days

to fill them. when you did not

say no to the possibility

of a child I should never

have taken that for yes.

should have gathered

my ovaries like a fistful

of amaranth and run

all the way to Chicago.

who did I think we were.

who did I think

I could make you.

this is the oldest mistake,

to confuse wanting

with magic. silence is the undoing

of every spell, and we are experts

in the unsaid. even now, I forget

to put us in past tense. as if

the air in this city were the same.

as if love is anything like its speaking.